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In the Boxing Ring with “One Man, One Woman”

July 4, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Recently, I thought it’d be good to revisit some of the foundational elements of Marriage 101, so I scoured my bookshelves and picked up Gary Smalley’s Secrets to Lasting Love, a book my wife and I bought over a decade ago but never actually read.

I found myself squirming a bit as I read about the tendency for spouses to get laser focused on proving they’re right and the other person is wrong during times of conflict.  The author talks about the crucial need to validate where the other person is coming from, regardless of whether or not you agree with the person’s opinion, point of view, or understanding of truth in a given situation.

As I was reflecting, I realized that when I’m bent on proving to my wife that I’m right – which I’m not proud to say has happened countless times over the years – it’s generally because I’m coming from a place of fear.  Fear that my needs won’t be met or that things won’t work out well or that my heart will somehow be trampled on.

I usually present a very logical case without a lot of overt emotion, so in the moment I may not realize or acknowledge that it’s a fear-based, self-preservation mode that’s driving my course of action.  One that ultimately doesn’t trust that things will be just fine.  And one that tramples intimacy.

photo credit: MarriageEquality (81 of 109) (license)
photo credit: MarriageEquality (81 of 109) (license)

I find it ironic that I’ve been reading this book and doing this self-reflection in tandem with the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage.  The intensity of the responses coming from many within the conservative, evangelical Christian groups reminds me of how I can sometimes respond to conflict in my marriage.

I buckle down.  I won’t give in.  I don’t want to give any weight to my wife’s point of view.  I’m set on making my point crystal clear and showing her why I’m right and, by implication, why she’s wrong.

In the last several days, I’ve read the heated responses of countless people insisting that Adam and Eve show us that God’s plan for marriage from the beginning of all time has been “one man, one woman.”  And, therefore, the Supreme Court’s ruling is a clear affront to God.

Now that can definitely seem valid and rational.  But just as my wife often has an alternate view to my logical, well-thought-out one, there are other viewpoints within the greater Christian community.  And it might be good to actually consider them.

For example, one reason I disagree with using scripture to prop up the “one man, one woman” notion is because it means avoiding a host of laws in the Old Testament that govern polygamy.  Yes, we can engage in the fancy footwork to dance around those passages and come up with eloquently presented explanations as to why the laws don’t really mean that God was okay with polygamy.

But even if we do that, we’re still left to explain away the story of David and Bathsheba, where scripture tells us that God took a group of wives from David’s master and gave them to David, presumably as a blessing to David for being God’s anointed.  And when David botches up, God says “I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight.”

photo credit: Opponents to the same sex marriage vote in the Minnesota Senate  (license)
photo credit: Opponents to the same sex marriage vote in the Minnesota Senate (license)

In my opinion, the portrayal in scripture of God shuffling wives from one man to another – more than once – simply doesn’t leave room for a timeless expectation of “one man, one woman” established by God at the dawn of creation (unless we’re willing to acknowledge that God is clearly content to indulge wayward behavior).  What it does leave room for is placing the scriptures in the context and culture that they were written in – a context and a culture where polygamy was normal and acceptable.

To be sure, everyone has the right to their own opinion on the topic of gay marriage.  But it’s problematic when we insist that God has the same opinion.  We never think of it in those terms, of course.  We’re coming at it having been told or taught that “God believes X” and we have scripture in mind that seemingly supports it, so we think we’re merely standing on the side of truth.

It’s rather like when I’m in a conflict with my wife and the fearful need to cling to my truth keeps me from attempting to bridge the distance between us.

Now I’m sure there are plenty of people eager to rip me a new one by pointing to Romans 1 or 1 Corinthians 6 to show me why I’m clearly wrong and they’re clearly right.  They’ve got their figurative boxing gloves on and they’re ready to duke it out – no matter how many black eyes, split lips, or near concussions are involved.  Just like my tendency can be with my wife in times of conflict.

But again – there’s another side.

It may seem absolutely inconceivable that other viewpoints could possibly have merit when things seem so “clear,” but there are reasons that massive numbers of people within Christian communities are shifting their stance on the LGBT issue.  And trust me, they’re not doing it to be part of the “in crowd” or merely to cave to society’s whims, contrary to the accusations of many other Christians.

They’re doing it thoughtfully, responsibly, faithfully.  And, in many cases, after much struggle.  But they had to remove their boxing gloves and be willing to listen to and consider another viewpoint.  And to consider one very uncomfortable and potentially scary possibility: that maybe “being right” isn’t the goal.

I realize this a complex, heated topic and it raises tons of “Well then what about X, Y, or Z?” questions for many Christians.  But I don’t think digging our heels in is the answer.

In the book I’ve been reading, Gary Smalley implores readers to trust that intimacy will be achieved when two spouses validate each other’s opinions and feelings in spite of being in disagreement.  It reminds me of something I heard a minister say many years ago: we can’t let our desire to be right get in our way of being close.  Yet we do it all the time: individually and corporately.  And there are casualties because of it.

Scripture tells us that there is no fear in love and that perfect love casts out fear.  Scripture tells us that love is greater than faith and hope.

photo credit: MarriageEquality (41 of 109) (license)
photo credit: MarriageEquality (41 of 109) (license)

Scripture tells us that Jesus said the two most important things are to love God and love your neighbor as yourself and that all the Law and the prophets hang on those two things.  All the Law.  All the prophets.  All.  Fulfilled with love.

Now, with that in mind, consider this:

God didn’t need people to use scripture centuries ago to “prove” the earth was the center of a three-tiered universe to silence the uncomfortable claims and evidence to the contrary.  But people did.

God didn’t need people to use scripture in recent history to “prove” that slavery was acceptable and that black people were second-class humans in the face of movements to the contrary.  But people did.

And God doesn’t need people to use scripture now to “prove” that the Supreme Court’s ruling is an affront to God because “one man, one woman” is God’s timeless expectation.  Or to “prove” that those who don’t oppose gay marriage are subject to God’s judgment on the matter.

Just as I hope to get better at putting away the boxing gloves in my marriage, my hope is that Christian communities can put down their boxing gloves and humbly consider our history, move away from places of fear, and let go of the insistence on being right.

In doing so, maybe we’ll start to realize that the scandal and danger of the gospel is that love really does win.

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Bible, Christianity, Doctrine, LGBT

Lobsters in the Hands of an Angry God

September 25, 2014 By admin Leave a Comment

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Photo credit: deanoakley cc

Not long ago, I came across an article about gay marriage that someone had posted on Facebook.  I wasn’t interested and I would’ve skimmed right over the entire post if the person hadn’t introduced it by saying “God says it’s an abomination.”

I couldn’t help but jump into the thread and drop a comment about shrimp, not to incite a war, but to simply make a point.  Several other people jumped into what promptly became a lively and opinionated thread, but, unfortunately, just when it started getting really good, the person deleted the post.

It’s not uncommon for Christians to couple the term “abomination” with homosexuality, usually insisting “God says” or “God thinks,” as if they’re merely doing everyone a favor by upholding God’s clear, unchanging moral standard – one that’s been around since time immemorial.  Comments like this even come authoritatively from the pulpit.  I’m convinced this is partly why some people want nothing to do with Christianity and partly why God has such a bad reputation.

For starters, before we go around insisting that God thinks homosexuality is an abomination (or that it’s detestable, depending on which translation of the Bible is being referred to), it would be wise to consider some of the other things in the Old Testament laws that are also considered an “abomination.”  Things like eating shellfish or certain types of birds or animals.  Women wearing men’s clothing.  A man having sex with his wife (or wives, as the case may very well have been) during her menstrual period.

Let’s be honest.  No one is picketing Red Lobster, passionately insisting that the patrons are detestable in the eyes of God.  I personally lean toward thinking shellfish is detestable and I’d take a bacon cheeseburger over lobster anytime.  But just because I can’t stand the stuff doesn’t mean I should insist that God says it’s detestable and attempt to bind it on other people.

The Old Testament laws can be some of the most confusing and misunderstood parts of the Bible.  And it’s potentially very dangerous.

Here’s one thing that’s important to realize.  The laws served a very specific purpose at the time.  And although some of them were very progressive for the time and separated the people of Israel from surrounding nations in a very positive way, many of them were not unique at all to the nation of Israel.  Anyone familiar with Old Testament laws will notice similarities to those found in surrounding nations.  These other legal codes predate the biblical ones and include things like making amends for accidentally flooding a neighbor’s crops or maiming a hired ox, as well as governing sexual relations.  Correct; the death penalty as punishment for a man having sex with certain family members or animals didn’t originate with the Law of Moses.

Regardless of how common or unique or progressive any given law may have been, a casual glance at these laws makes it clear that they were not meant to have the word “timeless” attached in any way.

Many of the laws related to real-world medical and scientific conditions, often involving natural consequences.  If we can approach them with these things in mind, at least some of them can begin to make more sense, and they can be removed from the framework that leaves us believing that they somehow represent God’s personal feelings about a given matter.   Let me illustrate.

When I was in my early twenties, I went to Puerto Vallarta with my parents and two brothers.  On our second night, we left the remote resort where we were staying and meandered along a dirt road that wound up the nearby hillside of the jungle.  There were chickens running across the road and little kids playing in puddles.

After a bit of a walk, we rounded a bend and moseyed up a final stretch of dirt road, which brought us to our destination: an open-air, rooftop restaurant with stunning views.  Nestled against the thick trees and with sand floors, the restaurant made it seem like we were dining in a ginormous tree, a feeling that was reinforced by a massive thatched roof that felt like a canopy of tree branches, where strings of lights hung and began twinkling as the sun sank beyond the distant horizon.

Let me just say that if you ever have a chance to eat in a restaurant that makes you feel like you’re dining in a massive tree, by all means, do it.  It was an amazing experience.  Mostly.

My dad and one of my brothers ordered the fresh lobster.  When it arrived, it wasn’t just the tail; the entire crustacean was served in a stunning visual presentation.  As one who finds lobster detestable, I didn’t order it, and it’s a good thing.  Even though they both raved about how good it was, something bad transpired.  Either the lobster wasn’t cooked properly or my dad and brother somehow nibbled beyond the tail and into the abdomen (the dim, atmospheric lighting and the pina coladas the size of your head may have both played into the latter).  They both got extremely sick and the illness lasted several days, putting quite a damper on the rest of the trip.

Whatever the details and regardless of whose “fault” it was, this unique dining experience gone horribly wrong could’ve been avoided altogether if all parties were simply holding to a law that says shellfish is detestable and needs to be avoided.  Avoiding the creatures completely makes sense when their improper ingestion could be fatal.

Such a practical cause-and-effect example can begin to shed a tiny bit of light on at least some of these Old Testament laws.  In this instance, avoiding shellfish was merely the safest option for the people at the time.  Eating it wasn’t an “abomination” because it was somehow in conflict with a certain level of ordained holiness or morality (PETA might disagree, but you get my point).  The whole thing has nothing to do with offending God, as though God has an ego.

I think it would help us to realize that we’re approaching these texts on the heels of thousands of years of developing theology and tradition.  We’re seeing them through lenses we don’t even realize we’re wearing.  And many of these things draw us further and further away from anything that resembles the original purpose or context of the text.

Some of what I’ve studied shows that these laws were originally understood as having medical or scientific meanings and only became theological in nature over time.  The same goes for some of the associated language.  “Unclean” didn’t always mean somehow being stained or corrupted in the eyes of God.  And “atonement” didn’t always mean some form of making up for one’s sins in order to appease God.  It’s a bit mind boggling, but it’s absolutely fascinating and it opens up a completely new world of understanding.

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Photo credit: mugley cc

But here we are, thousands of years later, and none of that information makes its way down from the pulpit or into Christian devotional books.  Sure, we’ve got apologists who are quick to point out the medical accuracy of some of the Old Testament laws in an effort to prove the Bible is “true,” but I’ve never heard one of them indicate that terms like unclean, holy, and atonement originally had medical or scientific meanings and that the theological interpretations came much later.

Meanwhile, we’re left with a deeply flawed view of God that’s been etched into much of Western Christianity.  And because we’re clueless to that fact, we have zealous ministers preaching sermons like “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” and we go around authoritatively wielding terms like “abomination” on God’s behalf because we’re certain we know what we’re talking about.

There is much to be said and studied about the Law of Moses, but it’s clear that it wasn’t a timeless code of morality, nor did it reflect God’s personal and unchanging feelings about matters.  We have got to move beyond seeing these laws as such.  And perhaps more importantly, we need to let go of the idea that God was somehow personally disappointed or offended by the lack of adherence to these laws as though they somehow exemplified a standard of behavior required to keep God happy and content.

My passion about this is only partly because no one should be branded with a term like “abomination.”  That’s hugely valid, for sure.  But of greater importance, in my opinion, is that such an understanding of these laws says an enormous amount about who we believe God is.  We give God an ego and extrapolate all kinds of beliefs accordingly.  Beliefs that can sneak into the core of who we are and shape us in unhealthy ways.  Beliefs that tell us God has always had extremely high expectations for our behavior, requiring sacrifices or even death to be appeased.

I’m not attempting to imply that how we behave doesn’t matter.  That’s not what this is about.  It’s about attempting to shed a tiny bit of light on what these laws were and weren’t, as well as standing firmly by the notion that the Law of Moses does not somehow reflect a snapshot of timeless, unchanging truth or morality.

Many things may lead someone to think it’s responsible to treat the law about two men lying together as a clear, timeless moral expectation by God, all the while happily discarding laws that might impinge on our all-you-can-eat shrimp dinners, but it’s not responsible.  At all.  In fact, it’s a hugely irresponsible use of the scriptures.

We’re all entitled to our own opinions about things like shellfish, homosexuality, and whether kids should be stoned for disobedience, but we need to own them as our personal opinions and do away with the insistence that God has clearly always felt a certain way about them.

It’s no wonder the terms “God” and “Christian” often breed hostility.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Atonement, Bible, Fundamentalism, LGBT, Tradition

Sincerely Wrong?

June 5, 2014 By admin Leave a Comment

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Photo credit: See-ming Lee 李思明 SML cc

In a recent post in the context of giving too much weight to the apostle Paul’s views on homosexuality, I mentioned that Paul didn’t always know what he was talking about.  I wanted to take time to expand on that, not to belabor the point of homosexuality, but because I realize that such a comment could be seen as completely inflammatory.  After all, it’s not a stretch to say that Paul has had more of an impact on the shaping of Christianity throughout history than anyone else.  Perhaps even more so than Jesus, which is an interesting consideration.

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Photo credit: marcn cc

If all we had were the red-letter words of Jesus from the gospels, there’s a good chance that issues like slavery, the role of women, and homosexuality would’ve played out much differently in the church.  Not to mention the fact that pop culture probably would’ve also had to do without the massively popular Left Behind series and anything else that has its roots in rapture theology.

For starters, it’s good to firmly acknowledge that Paul’s world was starkly different than the one we live in.  I think it’s easy to imagine ourselves back then, listening to one of Paul’s letters, having no concept of just how different it was – save for minor cultural things having to do with women’s hair.  I’m not going to attempt a deep dive here, but I’ll touch on just a couple of things.

Paul’s was a world that held all kinds of beliefs about deities.  Mystery religions were flourishing and temple cult practices were rampant.  And although there’s debate over just how prevalent it was, temple prostitution was also a thing.  Gods were thought to walk among men – at least to some extent.  Rulers were often worshiped as divine saviors, sometimes during their lives and sometimes after they had died.

Recall in Acts 14 where the author says that Paul and Barnabas were mistaken as gods (“The gods have come down to us in human form!” Acts 14:11).  I can’t imagine walking down the street today and mistaking someone for a god.  I don’t even know what that means, but I don’t think it matters, except to point out that the world back then was crazy different from ours today.

Also, many Jewish people had been living with the expectation that, any day now, God was going to break through in a mighty cosmic intervention that would overthrow all corruption and establish a proper reign in the land.  This was largely born out of the continual domination that the Jewish people had been experiencing.

Suffice it to say, this expected intervention looked nothing like the spiritual kingdom that Christians today generally accept as the kingdom that God did establish.  And keep in mind that Christianity wasn’t its own religion at the time.  It lived largely within Judaism and, as such, many of those we’d call Christians were also living with the expectation of a great cosmic intervention.

It’d be unreasonable to think these things wouldn’t have shaped Paul’s thinking or that they don’t provide context and framework to some of Paul’s words.

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Photo credit: marfis75 cc

Perhaps the biggest of these things was Paul’s expectation that God was about to bring things to a close in a major way – and very soon.  This certainly puts a degree of context around some of the intensity we see in his writings.  Paul fully expected Jesus to descend from the sky above in a grand entrance, at which point Paul himself – along with others who happened to be alive at the time – would float up into the sky to meet Jesus.  And he expected this to happen in his lifetime.

This acutely imminent expectation was so widespread among the believers that they were surprised that people were actually dying before this event took place, resulting in questions about what would happen to the recently deceased.

And Paul preached this expectation, instructing people to live their lives accordingly.  He went so far as to tell married men to live as though they weren’t married, because the end of all things was near (1 Corinthians 7:29).  That’s interesting direction to give.  I’m not sure exactly what it would even look like in practice, but it probably wouldn’t do much to enhance anyone’s marriage by today’s standards.  Not surprisingly, I’ve never heard this passage preached from the pulpit.

Another curious belief of Paul’s was that people who had taken the Lord’s Supper in an improper manner had gotten weak and sick and that some had actually died.  This interesting tidbit is in 1 Corinthians 11:30 (“falling asleep” is a euphemism for death).

I’ve heard a lot of things from the pulpit over the years that I don’t necessarily agree with, but I’ve never heard anyone claim that someone’s sickness might’ve been due to taking communion improperly.  Let alone someone’s death.  If I did ever hear someone make such an assertion, I’d have no problem saying “You’re out of your mind.”

To be clear, I don’t think Paul was out of his mind.  Not at all.  In my opinion, some of the most powerful passages in the Bible come from his hand.  But what this does mean – to me anyway – is that Paul was a product of his time.  The product of a society and worldview that on so many levels we can’t possibly even begin to fathom.  A man whose revelations from God gave him passion and zeal and a drive that shaped his mission.

Now for the elephant in the room.

Paul was wrong.  In fact, this would fall nicely into the “sincerity doesn’t equal truth” mantra that I’d grown so accustomed to touting.  In other words, “You may have been sincere, Paul, but you were sincerely wrong.”  As we’re deciding how to interpret and apply the things he wrote about, we should acknowledge this, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it may be to do so.

Paul is emphatic in his writings that the message he’s preaching was received by revelation – it wasn’t a teaching of Jesus that was handed down to him by the apostles.  There’s a lot to unpack there and it’s way beyond the scope of this article.

But couple that with the fact that his revelations somehow led him to incorrectly assert something as major as the imminent end of all things and people ascending into the sky and, in my opinion, there are implications.  Namely implications regarding how we should approach his writings.  Because regardless of what kind of inspiration Paul had, he clearly didn’t have a direct pipeline to the divine.

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Photo credit: Jamison Wieser cc

So in the midst of the hot buttons of marriage equality and whether gay people can be Christians, to be dogmatic about the issue of homosexuality because Paul seems to have indicated it’s against the order of nature (Romans 1:26-27) and that homosexuals won’t inherit the kingdom (1 Corinthians 6:9) simply no longer makes sense to me.

It did at one time, but I was also quite accustomed to glossing over the fact that Paul had some ideas that were just plain weird and he was also way, way off base when it came to some pretty major things (not to mention that there’s a lot of responsible discussion around these two passages in particular, so merely taking them “at face value” – as with many things in the Bible – can be quite problematic).

Because of how Paul is revered within the Christian faith, it can be hard to objectively consider these things.  But we can wrestle through the obvious without vilifying him or writing him off.  There’s plenty to embrace and live out without making theological leaps or clinging to beliefs largely influenced by a man who said that people had died from taking communion improperly.

Many people see this as dangerous territory, because it effectively boils down to picking and choosing what scriptures to accept as relevant.  But let’s face it; everyone’s already doing that to one extent or another.  I don’t see anyone being dogmatic about the end of all things being near, the need to greet each other with a kiss, or married men living as though they’re not married.

So we’re already picking and choosing.  How else do we explain the fact that Paul’s understanding of the order of nature is treated as somehow authoritative regarding sexual orientation (Romans 1:26-27), but completely irrelevant regarding men’s hair (1 Cor 11:14)?

It’s because, at least to some extent, we’re projecting our beliefs and understandings onto the scriptures.  Beliefs that have been shaped by numerous factors, many of which we may not even realize. No one wants to admit to doing this, of course.  And in most cases, we’re probably not even aware we’re doing it.

In this example, one such factor influencing our beliefs may be polarizing translations of the same Greek word atimia in the two different passages.  In Romans 1:26, where the context is lust or passion, the word is translated most commonly as vile, degrading, or shameful.  But in 1 Corinthians 11:14, where the context is the length of men’s hair, the word is most commonly rendered as disgrace or dishonor.

So although Paul used the same word in both places, well-intended Bible translators have made a stark distinction.  This can affect how we interpret the passages and, in turn, how much weight we tend to give each one.  If the Bible says that something is vile, we’re likely to think that’s worse than something that’s merely disgraceful.

But it bears repeating: Paul didn’t make such a distinction.  To Paul, physis (the Greek word meaning the nature of things) shows us that long hair on men and the desires for a member of the same sex are both atimia (the Greek word meaning disgrace).  This is one example of why it can be extremely problematic to simply take passages at face value, particularly if the intent is to use them authoritatively.

So just to reiterate: we are picking and choosing what scriptures to give weight to.  And when we go on to use terms like “culturally relevant,” “disputable matters,” or “salvation issues,” it can either make it seem like we’re not really picking and choosing or it adds to the certainty that we just happen to be picking and choosing properly and responsibly.

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Photo credit: Julia Manzerova cc

I get the discomfort factor with acknowledging the elephant in the room and rethinking things accordingly.  This certainly wasn’t an overnight conclusion for me, especially after years of being certain that I was one of the ones who happened to be picking and choosing properly.

And the specific issue of homosexuality isn’t something I deliberately set out to reconsider.  Not by a long shot.

But sometimes we find ourselves on unexpected paths that lead to unexpected places.  And it may very well take a level of faith we’re not familiar with to trust that the path is okay and we’re actually meant to be on it.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Bible, LGBT

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